Diary

March 31, 2025

I've been under a lot of stress lately...

First, my car's A/C stops working...AGAIN. It's probably too old to support it without spending a untold amount of money on repairs. I'm at the point where I don't want to keep digging deeper into this sunk-cost fallacy, so I might just sell it and buy a new car if the prices are good.

Second, I am feeling the hard pressure of being a project manager for two different projects. One is a video project, and the other is that game jam I mentioned earlier this month. My lack of communication to my teammates has impacted both projects, and I feel like I am not cut out for this. I was hoping that getting some leadership experience would help me in the future, but it's too much pressure for me :(

If anything, I'm better off as an art director, not as a project manager or, god forbid, a CEO. What doesn't help with the game jam in particular is that everyone on the project came from an autistic community on Discord. You know how autistic folks are famously known to struggle with communication skills? Yea, this resulted in people from all sides hiding in their corners of the project and forgetting that they need to talk to each other. Myself included.

I broke down under pressure last Friday because of this revelation. A mod running the game jam assessed our project and found that we were over-scoped, so we had to take measures to cut down the workload. This ruined me because I thought one month would be sufficient time to make my game idea, but it's not! No amount of time restraint is going to be enough for me! And I thought that 72-hour jams or week-long jams were too short.

I'll see this game jam through to the end, but I want to take matters into my own hands after this. I've meant to learn how to use Godot anyway, so I'm gonna do what I did with my web dev career and learn how the damn thing works by following tutorials. At least Brackeys has a few Godot tutorials to start with.

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March 17, 2025

Ohhh nooo I'm feeling the fatigue, dude...

Yesterday, I did some yard work by filling compost bags full of sticks and leaves, and my sedentary ass is feeling SORE 😞 On top of that, I'm getting a sneaking suspicion that I have an iron deficiency because I feel like taking a nap at least once per day. I thought it was normal, but then I read up on how an iron deficiency can affect your hair, your energy, and other things, so it got me thinking that I should take some iron supplements. Maybe this can fix me... (what I really need is a blood test, but I'm in no hurry to do that anytime soon)

The good news is that my car's A/C is finally fixed! It took the new mechanic about three days to make it happen and the repairs was EXPENSIVE AS HELL, but some things were out of his control like ordering replacement parts. The guy who worked on the A/C repairs was such a car engineering nerd who thoroughly understood what he was investigating and wanted to share (even if most of it went over my head lol), so I would trust him over an old snarky mechanic who keeps rushing my car out the door without fixing shit.

Also, the wildfires in Texas were pretty far and away from my hometown! Like yea, there were wildfires, but a local wildfire tracker showed that most incidents were contained, so I was worried over practically nothing on my end. It's still bizarre, though. Like, we should not be dealing with wildfires in a region almost never gets too dry. Climate change, am I right? 😅

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March 13, 2025

These past few weeks has been stressor after stressor after stressor.

First, my car's A/C stopped working. I took my car in to a mechanic THREE TIMES until I decided to take it to a different mechanic cuz the first one either never fixed the A/C or they introduced new problems...

Then I get an anxiety attack over reading the news about individual European tourists getting jailed for no good reason. I know this wouldn't affect me directly, but the prospect of hateful goverment organizations arresting people for next to nothing is pure injustice...

And now, in my home state of Texas, we're getting a red flag warning cuz of dry humidity and strong winds! I don't want to think too hard about dealing with a wildfire, but the disastrous wildfires that happened in Los Angeles does not instill confidence in me...

I mean, outside of those stressors, I've been doing okay so far. I just don't like how anxious I've been getting lately ;-; I want to carry on with my life and work on my silly little drawing projects. I have a month-long game jam to look forward to! I just hope I can bring this idea to life with the help of my team 😊

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March 3, 2025

Okay, now I'm just getting sick and tired of how my brain functions.

It's one thing if I don't have the energy to work on something, but it's another thing when my mind is running at 100 miles per minute that I cannot focus on one thing. Even with something as simple as SLEEPING. It's extremely debilitating.

I'm pretty sure it's the ADHD part of my brain that cannot focus on one task, but this is also coupled with tasks that don't have a hard deadline, making it difficult for me to figure out how I should pace myself. It's doubly worse with projects that I've assigned myself that come with no due dates, so that's why I decided that I should make my artwork's progress more visible to the public through the Projects page. And to also set soft deadlines on my commissions so that I don't take forever on them. Also, this extends to other things like opening a hundred tabs on my computer, or forgetting important tasks unless I write them down or set reminders on my phone.

Along a similar vein, I almost feel like this could be affecting my speech, too? Like, at least through writing, I can jot down my thoughts and adjust it to make it easier to understand, but it sounds awful when I'm doing this on the fly while speaking, especially with deep conversations that kinda need collected thoughts. It's a big reason why I try to pace myself when I speak, but it's probably not enough. Maybe this is related to my ADHD, or maybe it's not, but I don't have the answers yet.

I'm gonna bring this up to my therapist, and I will most likely have to notify my psychiatrist too. If I'm getting irratated by my racing thoughts, despite getting medically treated for anxiety, then I think I should do something about it. 😤

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February 24, 2025

I had sushi for dinner with my family last night and I've been thinking about the last conversation we had before we left the restaurant.

Everyone was talking about how they used genAI in some aspect of their lives or how they encountered others using it. My mom used genAI to write a sample passage in Spanish for the Spanish class she's teaching. My sister used genAI to validate her math homework. And while my brother-in-law didn't say anything new about his interactions with genAI, there were times where he talked about how he's using it for his computer engineering job.

I felt helpless in that moment because I KNEW I had nothing constructive to say about generative AI. I would have brought the whole conversation down if I said anything about genAI and how I vehemently oppose it.

I think what kills me about how my family is using genAI is that some of them KNOW of its limitations. The genAI only regurgitates the information that you feed it. Some of my family members have picked up on how unreliable Large Language Models can be. And yet, they still use the LLMs anyway! It's sickening to me.

I feel like genAI systems like LLMs will make people start to think less creatively, especially as corporations try to force genAI systems down people's throats. What are you gonna do when you don't have genAI, huh? Does that mean you need to ACTUALLY use your noggin? Well duh, of course.

I don't know about you, but I would rather use my head instead of relying on a technology that does the "thinking" for me. The computer is a tool, not the brain. Technology lacks the soul to make something creative without pure human input.

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February 11, 2025

I have taken up livestreaming again! For now, I'm streaming on Twitch, but I'm in a bit of a conundrum here...

I need to work on Heart of Ivy, an erotic comic that I started working on in 2023, so I would like to stream it. However, as much as I would love to start setting up shop on Twitch, they do not allow NSFW content, so I'm looking towards streaming on Picarto instead, at least while I work on the comic. This won't be an issue once the comic is done, but man...I wanna livestream ALL of the artwork I work on! I have never felt so energized to stream in such a long time.

My anxious ass kept holding me back from livestreaming again until I just started doing it again a few weeks ago. I think the difference between now and when I used to livestream online semi-frequently is because nowadays I'm taking meds for generalized anxiety lol

But for me, breaking free from the bombardment of anxious thoughts and catastrohizing has made me feel a lot better about myself, so it's possible that I can revisit some things I did with fresh eyes. Regardless, I don't like having to split my attention between two different livestreaming platforms. Maybe my opinions on my livestream methods can change, but for now I believe I should be using Picarto over Twitch purely because of the content I want to work on for the time being.

If you want to catch me online thru Twitch or Picarto, then give me a follow! My drawing sessions are pretty casual, so I hope to see you there.

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January 21, 2025

My goodness, I forgot about this page.

I've heard bits and pieces about what happend at the inaugration ceremony, but man. It's looking bleak out here in the United States & I feel like not enough people are aware of the severity of the situation. Especially for transgender folks.

Living in fear is the last place I want to be right now, because I know what it's like to castastrophize everything. It's miserable. You have to balance between being informed and staying sane. You have to live through this for the sake of those you love and those that love you, if not for yourself. People have survived through times like this in the past, but stick with me, okay?

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December 12, 2024

I'm stuck on an artblock at the worst possible time, but I think I know what's causing it: I am obsessed with this old Nintendo DS game called The World Ends With You. This game's so good that when I was halfway through it, I added TWEWY to my favorite games list on the About Me page.

Now you may be asking "Capt, the game got rereleased on the Nintendo Switch, why not play that?" And to that I say, "don't worry about it :)"

"How did you get a Nintendo DS copy of TWEWY?"

"Don't. Worry about it. :)))"

It's called pirating, and by that I mean modding a Nintendo 3DS.

Anyway, I'm having a blast with this game! I've been playing it every night for over a week now. I highly recommend getting whatever version of TWEWY that you can get a hold of. I will say, though, that both versions may play a little differently because they're operating on different game consoles.

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December 3, 2024

Now that my commissions are temporarily closed, I'm gonna lock in and finish the OC artwork I wanna make! One of them is a Secret Santa piece for a person I've never heard of (I joined an art exchange Discord server this year), but I think they will love what I make for them regardless.

I've also been thinking a lot about Bry & Shy, my newly redesigned Splatoon characters. I feel like they're a part of me just as much as I am a part of them. It's a surreal feeling, but it has incentivized me to draw a bunch of outfits for them! I wanna line art and flat color these designs, but I can't stop sketching outfits!! Playing dress up is surpsingly fun hehe.

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November 19, 2024

Man, I've had a busy weekend!

My sister got married, I visited with family that came into town, and I ate a LOT of food haha! Some of the food is giving me a painful reminder that I'm allergic to pork because my digestive tract doesn't like it, but that's a whole other can of worms.

Anyway, I first got to hear about what my sister and her husband want to live in when they move out. They may not put it into action for a few more years, but this is giving me a BIG incentive to move out to Chicago, too. I gotta plan a vacation to visit that city just to see what it's like!

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November 6, 2024

Okay, mayyybe the results of the election are starting to get to my head (Donald Trump won 💀).

I feel like this election in particular has brought out the worst in some of my immediate family members, regardless of their political affiliation (to my knowledge, most of them are Democrats, but one of them is Republican-leaning). Some folks have expressed views and imposing auras that make me feel like I'm living in crazy town. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't wanna be living around my immediate family right now.

This is giving me more of an incentive to move out of town. I've talked about how I feel like I'm stuck in Texas and want to get out, but now? I don't feel like I belong here. Not just because of how overly Republican Texas is right now, not just because I feel like I don't have any IRL friends to meet up with, but it's because I don't know if I want to physically be around my family anymore.

I want to live. I want to survive. I just don't think Texas is a safe home for me anymore... 😔

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November 5, 2024

Damn, long time no see!

I've been pretty busy updating my website lately. Also, I kept myself occupied with rounding out some art pieces (some in which are already on my Artwork page) and I have so much more to do! Too many projects are on my plate right now! AAAAAAAAAA

That aside, today's Election Day in the United States. People are worried about the results and for a good reason too: putting Donald Trump back in office will be a disaster. But also, I don't fully trust Kamala Harris, so it feels like we're dealt a bad hand and I didn't want to advocate for either of them.

But if you ask me? I'm not as worried about this as I should be. Maybe it's because I'm trying to not let it get to my head and give me some extreme anxiety, but also because I firmly held the belief that things cannot improve under any president that does not 100% value their citizens. It's sad, tbh. I made a whole write-up about this, so go read that if you wanna see what I mean, even tho it's mainly focused on a single issue.

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October 17, 2024

It is time. It is finally time for me to abandon Twitter.

I don't want to waste too much breath on it right now, but Twitter just enacted new policies that will make it even more inhospitable to its users. Soon, anyone you've blocked can see your posts but cannot interact with them. This is going to make harrasment even worse on Twitter, all because the billionare egomaniac that owns it hates being blocked so much. Also, the terms of service now states that any and all of your posts will be fed into Twitter's proprietary genAI system. I get that my content may have already been p0wned from piror genAI scraping, but knowing that a company can "legally" steal my content for a regurgitation machine sounds awful.

I will be taking steps towards transitioning from Twitter to BlueSky because this is bullshit and I am putting my foot down. The new Block policy probably wouldn't fly in Apple's App Store or Google's Play Store due to their Terms of Service, so even if Twitter reverses course I do not wanna go back. I do not trust Elon Musk anymore. Fuck him.

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October 8, 2024

I've been thinking a lot about moving out lately, because for what feels like the first time in my life, I feel like I'm stuck in Texas & I haven't had an incentive to go anywhere until now. I don't expect this to happen immediately, but I wanna do it someday. Maybe in a few years. I want a clean slate instead of rotting in a state that is getting increasingly hostile towards trans people. I feel like if I wanted to commit to transitioning, then it sure as hell cannot be in Texas.

Chicago has programs and health centers that are trans friendly, so that's awesome! It'll be there when I'm ready. The only problem is that I don't have a whole lot of family that lives in Chicago or near it, and my immediate family will likely stay put in Texas for some time. But I do know of some friends and folks from the Cartoonist Cooperative that I can meet up with! Idk, I want a change of pace, but it's scary to take that leap because I would most likely be going out entirely on my own.

In the meantime, I wanna at least visit the city for a short-term vacation. That would be nice.

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September 30, 2024

I think all signs are pointing towards me becoming transgender.

I keep wishing for things that only a woman can get, I'm feeling tired of being referred to as a man, and I'm coming to the realization that being nonbinary is not enough. I'm still unhappy with my outward presentation. :(

A lot of it comes down to most cisgender people lacking the understanding that there is more beyond the gender binary, but it's also because I've been reluctant about presenting myself as an enby. Then again, maybe the combination of people's ignorance and my reluctance are feeding each other, so that's no fun.

But I feel like I'm not ready yet! I'm still in a job that is Filled with cisgender people, I am not done with my laser hair removal procedures, I haven't told anyone irl about my thoughts on my gender presentation, and I'm currently in a state of the US that is systematically becoming more transphobic by the year.

The good news is that I'm in a city (as opposed to a rural area), and I'm in a good living situation right now, so it could be worse. The only thing I'm unsure of is how my family will handle a transgender person whenever a commit to transitioning. It's scary to think about, tbh.

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September 27, 2024

I'm still thinking about that one time I visited the post office earlier this week.

I came in to return a package to the company I bought it from online, and the clerk at the counter called me a "ma'am" (probably because I put up my hair in a ponytail? and I was wearing a mask? idk). But it wasn't just once, she did this MULTIPLE times. She did this with CONSISTENCY, so I played along with it. I was so caught up in gender euphoria that I forgot how I was supposed to write the To & From addresses on my package. Thankfully, the clerk was patient with me and we got the package on its way.

The good feeling lasted until I went to a computer store and a sales associate called me a "sir." Dammit, that threw off my groove!! Anyway, it got me thinking about how cisgender people can only make assumptions based on two genders and how they don't even think of anything beyond that. This is just a thing that they ALL do until they end up thinking harder about it. In a way it feels like I'm in The Matrix, as an outsider who knows what it's like to break through the social perceptions on gender presentation. But that experience I had with the post office clerk got me thinking "huh...maybe I should become transgender." 🤔

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September 22, 2024

I think I'm starting to feel better about myself!

Most of my anxiety has gone away (for now) and I'm thinking more optimistically again! That's not to say that all of my pessimism has vanished, I still hold values that are rooted in that feeling (cough cough societal collapse via capitalism cough). But as far as my day to day life goes, I feel like I'm not getting stuck in negative thoughts now! It feels great! I think what also helps is that I am finally taking on a exercise routine to help me get over my sedentary lifestyle and because it's affecting how I go to the bathroom, among other adjacent things I don't wanna elaborate on here.

There are still a few things that make me worried, how certain people are doing when they don't respond to the messages they send or how my tone could have struck the wrong chord with people. But right now, I'm trying to put my anxiety aside for the sake of patience. I gotta have some trust in my friends, right? Especially since I cannot read their minds or their moods. Trust!

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September 10, 2024

If there is one thing that I am regularly looking forward to on a work day, then it's lunchtime. I've been packing peanut butter and jelly sandwiches lately and I am OBSESSED with them! Call it childish, but they're so easy to make. My love for these simple, yet effective sandwiches tends to come and go, but this time, I think I found a good combination of ingredients.

I've always enjoyed using Jif peanut butter, so that's a mainstay. I like using a jelly that's low in sugar, so I got Crofter's strawberry jelly for that. But the last important ingredient is the bread. I never knew I needed a soft bread until I got Orowheat's white bread. Before, I was getting by with Dave's Killer Bread, which is good, but it's a hard bread. It tasted fine but I think the one thing I was lacking was a texture that I liked, so I'm glad that Orowheat fits the bill. However, I should consider some alternatives because this brand could probably run out of stock quickly at my local grocery stores!

Jif never runs out because they are mainstream as hell, unless they have a food safety recall. As for Crofters, I found they have a wide variety of jelly flavors, mostly with different combinations of berries. It's almost as extensive as Smuckers, except Crofters is organic and has less sugar. I should see if those jellies pair up well with peanut butter :9

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September 9, 2024

Sometimes I worry about what people are talking about behind my back, or how they are judging me. It's not fair to think that way, because that gives off a degree of mistrust to myself and others, but I still worry about it. Being caught up in self-isolation and self-fulfilling prophecies probably doesn't help, but I don't like thinking this way. It's an irrational fear that ruins me from time to time.

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September 4, 2024

I am trying WITH EVERY FIBER IN MY BEING to not think too hard about the friend group I was ousted from several months ago. I won't say who these people are because I genuinely believe they aren't bad people, but they kicked me out because I was mentally unwell and I didn't know it. Regardless, the day I was kicked out has given me some serioius anxiety & depression episodes. I think it doesn't help that I contracted Covid between now and then because the disease can affect multiple parts of the body, including the mind (to an extent), and potentially excascerbate anxiety/depression.

I'm hoping that by writing this diary entry that I can get these stupid thoughts out of my head and stop worrying about that friend group. Also, I don't wanna end up leaving work early today because of an anxiety attack or a bout of depression. Ooooooh that next therapy session cannot come soon enough!

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September 3, 2024

Yesterday, my therapist wanted me to think about what defines me. Hm, without looking at my About Me page, I would consider myself to be a digital illustrator that wants to make comics and video games, but also has a passion for playing video games and for writing. I'm an artist and a video game hobbyist, to say the least! Defining who I am and what my goals are sounds easy enough, it's just that the hard part is trying to think of anything positive beyond the things that define my identity.

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September 2, 2024

Today, I once tried to read a person's vent post where they were reluctantly contemplating suicide, but I couldn't bring myself to finish reading it. Like yea, I get those thoughts too, but I feel like my will is strong enough to resist it because of the environment I'm in and that I have dreams that I don't wanna give up on.

Do you know how powerful the human mind is? There's a beauty behind how it can think and feel the world it's surrounded by, and to kill it is to destroy the self. You're not just killing a person, you're destroying a knowledge base within a person. Isn't that incredible?

I'm not saying this to put down the person contemplating suicide. I know suicidal people don't consider the positive aspects of themselves because they're caught up in depression & whatnot (trust me, I know how awful it feels to be depressed) but sometimes I wish they never thought that way because they're feeding themselves a self-fulfilling prophecy. Or in other words, they keep saying/hearing/thinking one particular thing so much that they eventually believe it. It pains to see suicidal people mentally suffer & it takes its toll on me sometimes :(

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August 31, 2024

I think I'm gonna have to actively unfollow social media accounts that make me feel like I'm living in a state of fear. It is a very unhealthy mindset for me to be in, to be honest, and I want to unravel my negative thought processes despite how difficult it may be.

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August 29, 2024

Another day, another time where I'm upset and angry at myself. I feel like my optimism slowly withered away over the past seven years or more. I'm tired of living like this, it's miserable. I want to stop feeling so negative all the time, but I feel like I'm stuck...and I want a way out of here. Death is not an option. Depite having frightful ideas about it, I still have so much to live for. I would rather have a good life than cut it off too short.

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August 28, 2024

At my age, it is very hard to make new friends. Particularly in reality instead of via online platforms. My mom says that people like her worry that my loneliness could exascerbate my depression. And I gotta admit...I'm scared of being alone too. But what really doesn't help is that I have social anxiety.

I'm scared of meeting people that I don't know of, I'm scared of trying to open up to people, and I'm scared of trying to reconnect with people that I haven't talked to in a while. I figured that I can get by on my own, but I can't! I really can't. Having online friends is nice, but I don't know of anyone that I can meet up with locally. It sucks, and I don't like how I feel like this.

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August 27, 2024

Today I'm thinking about what my life would be like without any of the problems that I'm facing. This is a part of my therapist's goal-oriented strategy, so we're only just getting started, but this is the thing that he wanted me to think about until our next meeting.

I feel embarassed about sharing stuff that isn't negative for some reason. It's like, even though I am aware of my pessimistic line of thinking and the bad habits that come from it, I still relish in writing about things that are overtly negative. You can see this in my latest essay and shorts. It's what I'm used to, to be honest...there's a horrible sense of comfort with this kind of thinking.

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