Special Artwork

I'm not the first to make this joke and I won't be the last.

_{September 23, 2021 — 💛🤍💜🖤}

Part 1 of 2

Here’s another comic where I process my thoughts & emotions but for once, this one is about my asexuality! 🖤🩶🤍💜

Discovering my asexuality was a confusing and messy process. I never came to realize that I was asexual until last summer! But I think that like with all of the other LGBTIA+ identities, the asexual identity thoroughly explained why I had an entire lifetime of grief & confusion.

I think it made me realize that chasing girls to date throughout high school has left me in a broken mindset when it comes to serious relationships…and I think it stuck with me long after that.

I’d always feel an uneasy sense of desperation…like I NEEDED to have a date. But by the time I actually dated a girl, I would feel…empty at some point, and made me wonder why I’m even dating them in the first place.

I eventually gave up on dating because I don’t think I’m ready to have a serious relationship. I don’t know if I ever WILL be ready, but that’s okay…maybe that just means I could be aromantic as well, idk! Maybe I’ll get back to that someday lol

Several years after high school, I learned the hard way that sex and NSFW media are not as fulfilling as I thought they would be. Probably because there was a length of time when I used to regularly make my own NSFW art.

I used to think that making and possessing that kind of content was like…bad luck or something. I never felt proud of what I was making…which in hindsight, it’s probably a more common feeling than I thought it was, whether you’re asexual or not.

But anyway, these anxious thoughts of being in possession of these images were really starting to gnaw on me. I once again felt…empty from creating this content once it was all said and done. It legitimately felt like I was only making that art to fulfill me in the short term.

_{September 21, 2021 — 🖤🩶🤍💜}

Part 2 of 2

I had to talk to somebody about this, so I asked a select group of friends I was with at the time (who all made NSFW art of their own). Their advice didn’t help, but their words continue to remind me of how I became asexual in the first place.

When I asked them if they ever regretted making NSFW content…they either didn’t acknowledge my worries, or they said “it’s a part of human nature.”

Well YEA…that’s true, and it has been for centuries…but what if it’s not a part of MY human nature?

I later broke away from that group of friends and deleted ALL of my NSFW content. Every now and then I’ll think about these experiences, but I would make sure to never look back. If I can’t handle NSFW media, then how would I handle sex?

It was probably a long time coming, but I’ve always thought that sex as a concept was just so…weird? I’ve never understood its appeal. On top of that, I was starting to feel extremely uninterested in having children.

But tbh, sex is just a form of intimacy. It’s not the ONLY kind of intimacy, but it can definitely be the most intense one! At least I can opt out of sex if I’m uncomfortable with it, even if that means I’ll get some weird looks from people who are SUPER involved in sex.

However, it’s important to know that asexuality (& aromanticism by extension) is a spectrum. There’s no “primary” way to viewing sex. I wound up being sex-repulsed, but that doesn’t mean that EVERY ace person will think the same way.

Every ace person’s experience is different but they all deserve equal amounts of respect & understanding.

With that said, it’s definitely worth researching if you’re really thinking about your stance on sex. 🤔

I wouldn’t have gotten here without talking to supportive friends or finding posts by other ace people sharing their experiences, so I hope that this post can help people out too! 😊

_{September 21, 2021 — 🖤🩶🤍💜}

Here’s another gender comic where I try to make some levity out of the situation lol 🤣

Opting out of the gender binary MUCH easier said than done, because every now and then I’d find myself either perceiving one of the main two genders on myself/other people OR I would just not care about gender at all. There is NO in-between.

And because society has taught me to stick to a gender binary for so long, it’s SO unbelievably hard to unlearn it and think differently about gender! It’s so confusing and yet…! It’s so deeply fascinating.

This is still an ongoing process for me, but this feels like the most personally gratifying and most terrifying experience I’ve ever had. Lots of unknown worries and fears are up ahead, but I also have goals in mind. I wanna live long enough to see the person that I want to be.

_{September 18, 2021 — 💛🤍💜🖤}

This is an interesting detail about me that I didn’t realize that I was doing for a long time until recently.

I don’t remember feeling proud of my hairstyle. I just kept getting haircuts every once in a while. It felt like a personal obligation that I just kept doing out of habit. My hair remained in a really short cut until the pandemic rolled in and I let it grow out. Over the course of a year, it got really out of hand!

So I got it trimmed by a local independent hairstylist about three months ago. I had no idea what I wanted when I got that haircut, I just told the hairstylist that I wanted it trimmed. So she cut it to make my hair look kind of like a bob cut, which I wasn’t sure if that’s what I wanted, but I was too afraid to go back and get it trimmed again cuz…I kind of liked it?

And it wasn’t until now that I realized that I was trying too hard to hide my hairstyle under a hat. Why did I do this? Why do I say that I LOVE to see hairstyles on other people when I kept hiding my own hair? So I was like “to HELL with this!” and just decided to stop wearing hats at all times.

Tbf, my mom DID tell me about looking into styling my hair, but I wasn’t fond of the idea at the time cuz I was still stuck in a weird habit. I think I just needed a chance to look into it myself and consider my options.

_{September 4, 2021 — 💛🤍💜🖤}

It’s only been a week. A WEEK! And these thoughts and feelings are still clouding up my mind.

Today I felt awful. I felt sad, angry, and confused about myself. About me and who I want to be. I can’t stop thinking about it.

I’m having a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and seeing the kind of person that I want to be. I can’t even look at my face without thinking that I’m a butt ugly man rather than a person that can be anything and everything they want to be.

And understandably, I’ve stuck with the gender binary for all of my life, so trying to break away from it is going to be unbelievably hard! I just want to stop WORRYING about who I am! I just want to feel like I’m FREE.

_{September 1, 2021 — 💛🤍💜🖤}

If only I can just…stay happy with something without feeling the dreadful need to change my online appearance…

I’m kinda reconciling with my past and I’m wondering if I ever was happy about myself. My physical appearance is one thing (which I wanna contemplate in another comic 😳) but my online appearance is another thing.

I’ve noticed that every time I changed or adjusted my username, it’s because I’ve grown unhappy with the identity I’ve chosen for myself. Sometimes it’s because I regretted my actions in the past. Other times it’s because of one teeny tiny little thing that spoiled it for me.

So yea, for once I just want to stay happy with what I’ve got. I don’t know why, but I feel like I’m trying to run away from my past instead of coming to terms with it.

_{August 31, 2021 — 💛🤍💜🖤}

this sounded funnier in my head

_{August 29, 2021 — 💛🤍💜🖤}

Part 1 of 3

This has been bothering me all week, so I made this comic as a way to process my emotions. I don’t think this CONFIRMS anything to me right away, but it does give a glimpse into what’s been on my mind lately.

_{August 27, 2021 — 💛🤍💜🖤}

Part 2 of 3

I don’t think I’ve ever seen myself as a beautiful individual…for my whole life? So I made this comic in an attempt to see myself as beautiful without exceptions…without expectations.

These feelings about myself have been so…NEW to me.

_{August 27, 2021 — 💛🤍💜🖤}

Part 3 of 3

Idk if this is what I want yet. Idk if I’m faking it. Hell, idk the identity I want to stand for! I’ve always thought that nonbinary people are pretty neat, but it wasn’t until now that I’m wondering how this applies to ME specifically.

Society has progressed past the need for the gender binary. I joke, but it's true isn't it?

These feelings about myself have been so…NEW to me.

_{August 27, 2021 — 💛🤍💜🖤}