Apologizing to Myself

Hey there. If you read my previous blog short (careful, it’s a vent post), then it’s pretty evident I was not feeling good back then. I fell into a depressive slump shortly after I finished writing that post, and I still feel awful for lashing out like that. Though if anything, I feel like I’ve hurt myself more than anything. Today, I wanted to apologize to myself.

What I rambled about in the previous blog short is true: despite never technically “dating” anyone for seven years, I’ve tried (and failed) to score a romantic relationship. This desire is something I’ve wanted for a long time, but the biggest hurdles that frequently get in my way are always at a social level. I have trouble warming up to people unless they’ve taken an interest in me, I’m anxious and insecure, and I overthink things a lot. And this is still a problem even when I’m currently medicated for generalized anxiety and depression. It’s not fun at all, and I worry about it all the time.

I mean, at least I still have online friends to talk to. As long as I don’t take anyone’s friendship too seriously, then I’m pretty chill. I can hold a conversation with anyone who wants to chat, especially if we have similar interests! That’s not a problem. People have told me how much they respect me as a friend and I greatly appreciate it. It’s easy to forget about that sometimes.

Things only get weird in my head when I start wondering if my friendly conversation with someone could lead to romance. It’s foolish to think that way, but those thought processes cause me to think too far ahead and daydream about things I could do with that person. At a young age, I would daydream about marriage, which is VERY wishful thinking. Nowadays, I’ll daydream about simpler things I could do on a date. In either case, neither of those scenarios will come true, and it wrecks me every time. Usually, the harsh reality comes crashing down on me when I realize that I cannot feasibly date someone. Again, this could be because they’re not interested in dating (i.e. they’re aromantic, which is valid), don’t share the same feelings as I do, or already have a partner. In the best-case scenario, I can still be friends with that person, which is nice, but it does make me feel unfulfilled in the aftermath because I got my hopes up for nothing.

I could just try to initiate a stronger friendship with someone I don’t talk to very often, but I’m shy! I don’t wanna come off as weird! But then again, these lines of thinking are probably feeding into my confidence issues. I don’t have the confidence to appreciate my self-worth, but I will gladly take in all the praise on me and my artwork with every chance I get. Shit, as I’m writing this, this must be the key to my lack of confidence and the root of my self-deprecation, right? I have a hard time trusting myself to forge social connections, even if I try not to worry too much about my introverted autistic behaviors. More often than not, I am eternally scared. Perhaps this would explain why I frequently compare myself to others and try to chase down unattainable higher standards in my relationships without recognizing what is wrong with me.

Your self-worth is like a rock or a stone. You know how the rock cycle works, right? From grade school? It’s that three-way interwoven cycle that can transform rocks between igneous, metamorphic, and sedimentary forms. You can cast a rock into a volcano and let that blazing magma break it down, but it’ll still become a rock. You can bury a rock and let it endure enormous pressure beneath the earth’s surface, but it’ll still become a rock. You can dissolve a rock into fine grains of sand through weathering and erosion, but it’ll still become a rock. You can endure the worst mental or societal pressures that humanity has to offer, but you are still a person, so it would do you well to remember how special you are. Besides, if you become a diamond in the rough but don’t see yourself as a beautiful gemstone, then what does that say about you?

I just made a great analogy! But of course, this is all easier said than done. I still have trust issues with...myself. Forgiving myself is surprisingly difficult, so this is why I’m seeking therapy. But I am glad I wrote this down, so that way, I don’t have to dig up my lost thoughts from my private Twitter feed or a venting channel on a Discord server. Between this blog post and the previous one, these should serve as my eternal reminder of why I feel so sad or scared…and why I want to stop feeling that way. 🥲