Thinking More Positively (is hard)

CONTENT WARNING: Discussions about self-deprecation

Hi, I think by now you may have noticed that my most recent essay and all of my blog shorts to date have been very...cynical and pessimistic lately. I never realized how much I’ve been stuck in this negative line of thinking until a few months ago when I got kicked out of an online friend group because I was embroiled in self-deprecation, cynicism, gamer rage, and other behaviors like comparing myself to others or trying to attain an unreachable higher standard.

I did at least take steps to mitigate my harmful behaviors, such as focusing on playing games for fun, ditching art projects that are no longer fun, and keeping cynical conversation to a minimum among my peers.

All of this is easier said than done because I still find myself getting trapped in negative lines of thinking. However, I am painfully aware of my actions and it has led to occasions where I have been overthinking it. It certainly doesn’t help with the tumultuous storm of world news we’ve been seeing along with capitalist powers continuing to inflict multiple forms of violence upon the people every day, especially on non-white people, doubly so on black people. There’s the longstanding fallout of the Covid pandemic, and how governments that have largely stopped caring about trying to mitigate its spread.

The past three years alone have made me grow cold and bitter about the corporations and governments that control the people. Without going into details, the behaviors of corporations and governments over the years have turned me into a staunch anti-capitalist, and it has made me feel unbelievably negative. Even then, I still take the time to talk about issues that matter the most to me, especially as an illustrator. This combination of cynicism and undying care for artists is what led me to write my first full-length essay for this website.

Being stuck in a negative mindset also doesn’t help at a social level, like when my behaviors cause my online friends to push me away, for better or worse. I’m not gonna say they did the wrong thing, because it’s usually for the better, but man...it always hurts when they cut you off from a channel where you could interact with them on a personal level. It especially sucks when you want to be good friends with them.

But it happens! Sometimes people just don’t mesh with each other, and that’s okay. This can happen to anyone, anywhere, but it’s much harder to build up a friendship among people you only know online. Especially with the normal social barriers that come with text messaging, voice chats, and the exceedingly rare video chat. Despite everything, one thing that I did learn from having online friendships over the past 10 years was that your best friends will stick with you through thick & thin. I realize this is true for any online relationship or in-person relationship, but it’s a much bigger feat to achieve with someone that you may never get the chance to meet in real life.

Something that I had to realize about how I socially interact with people is that I have been lying to myself about something: I am autistic, and no amount of avoidance can change that. A simple denial of this social impairment has been eating me alive, and it’s partially what led to my steady decline in mental health. It explained why I acted awkwardly, was prone to gamer rage, or how I would be just as receptive to feedback as a stubborn teenager with selective hearing. I think I’ve been hating aspects of myself for more than 3 years because there was a time when I saw myself in a video somebody else recorded and said out loud “HAH! I look like a doofus!” Self-deprecation and hating my self-image were likely collateral for denying my social impairment.

This is why you’re now seeing me be upfront about my autism on places like this website’s about page and the social media sites I’m on. I’d rather you get an idea of what to expect from me instead of getting irritated over how I behave. There’s also this nugget of wisdom that an autistic friend told me once that helped me come to my self-acceptance:

Scallywag Says:

Doubt breeds isolation and isolation breeds doubt. It’s a vicious cycle, but awareness will break you out of it.

I still have a lot to work on in terms of my actions, but I already know that I shouldn’t be blaming it all on autism alone because there is still a personal responsibility to change my behaviors if they start to hurt myself and others. Even so, it’s very easy to fall into doubt & isolation, while breaking out of that with acute awareness is exceedingly difficult. It sucks!

Despite everything that torments my mind, I am still trying to take joy in the things that I still love. Art Fight is active right now, and I am having a blast with drawing people’s characters! Something about just lights a fire in my heart, ya know? Also, working on this website for the past five months has been an absolute blast. I love coding new website elements for it and making the most of them whenever I can. It’s not always easy, though, because sometimes website elements just don’t mesh well with each other. I have accepted that part of web dev for me is understanding my limitations, and that is okay.

As I’ve mentioned before, I am now trying to focus on fun art projects. Striking that balance is never easy, but I do what I can. As of writing, I am currently swamped with art projects, so I’m trying to sort out my priorities. Part of what made art creation so unfulfilling for me was that I was taking up obligations that I don’t keep to uphold anymore, like the Trumpet Boy videos or the Splatfest result art that I’ve been making for Splatoon 3, purely because they’re simply not fun anymore. I’ve had to check myself on this regard a lot more often lately, and I am making it a determining factor on whether or not I start/finish an art piece.

As far as illustration and web dev goes, I’m already taking steps to make it more enjoyable for me. But as for writing and communicating with people, I have some work to do. I’ve been telling myself that I seriously need to go see a therapist, so I better do that before I get stuck in some mental funk. Fingers crossed!

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