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Diary
On this page, I will chronicle those crazy thoughts in my head.
CONTENT WARNING: This space will have vent posts. Please read at your own discretion.
Welcome to the diary page! I started this on August 23rd, 2024 as a method of jounaling my thoughts & feelings. Sure, I could keep these thoughts in a private social media account, or a designated vent channel, but it's too easy to lose track of my posts on there. Keeping a journal log I can look back on in one designated place will make it easier to see how often I'm venting or affirming myself! Unlike my blog shorts & essays, I will not advertise any of the diary's changes on my home page.
October 8, 2024
I've been thinking a lot about moving out lately, because for what feels like the first time in my life, I feel like I'm stuck in Texas & I haven't had an incentive to go anywhere until now. I don't expect this to happen immediately, but I wanna do it someday. Maybe in a few years. I want a clean slate instead of rotting in a state that is getting increasingly hostile towards trans people. I feel like if I wanted to commit to transitioning, then it sure as hell cannot be in Texas.
Chicago has programs and health centers that are trans friendly, so that's awesome! It'll be there when I'm ready. The only problem is that I don't have a whole lot of family that lives in Chicago or near it, and my immediate family will likely stay put in Texas for some time. But I do know of some friends and folks from the Cartoonist Cooperative that I can meet up with! Idk, I want a change of pace, but it's scary to take that leap because I would most likely be going out entirely on my own.
In the meantime, I wanna at least visit the city for a short-term vacation. That would be nice.
September 30, 2024
I think all signs are pointing towards me becoming transgender.
I keep wishing for things that only a woman can get, I'm feeling tired of being referred to as a man, and I'm coming to the realization that being nonbinary is not enough. I'm still unhappy with my outward presentation. :(
A lot of it comes down to most cisgender people lacking the understanding that there is more beyond the gender binary, but it's also because I've been reluctant about presenting myself as an enby. Then again, maybe the combination of people's ignorance and my reluctance are feeding each other, so that's no fun.
But I feel like I'm not ready yet! I'm still in a job that is Filled with cisgender people, I am not done with my laser hair removal procedures, I haven't told anyone irl about my thoughts on my gender presentation, and I'm currently in a state of the US that is systematically becoming more transphobic by the year.
The good news is that I'm in a city (as opposed to a rural area), and I'm in a good living situation right now, so it could be worse. The only thing I'm unsure of is how my family will handle a transgender person whenever a commit to transitioning. It's scary to think about, tbh.
September 27, 2024
I'm still thinking about that one time I visited the post office earlier this week.
I came in to return a package to the company I bought it from online, and the clerk at the counter called me a "ma'am" (probably because I put up my hair in a ponytail? and I was wearing a mask? idk). But it wasn't just once, she did this MULTIPLE times. She did this with CONSISTENCY, so I played along with it. I was so caught up in gender euphoria that I forgot how I was supposed to write the To & From addresses on my package. Thankfully, the clerk was patient with me and we got the package on its way.
The good feeling lasted until I went to a computer store and a sales associate called me a "sir." Dammit, that threw off my groove!! Anyway, it got me thinking about how cisgender people can only make assumptions based on two genders and how they don't even think of anything beyond that. This is just a thing that they ALL do until they end up thinking harder about it. In a way it feels like I'm in The Matrix, as an outsider who knows what it's like to break through the social perceptions on gender presentation. But that experience I had with the post office clerk got me thinking "huh...maybe I should become transgender." 🤔
September 22, 2024
I think I'm starting to feel better about myself!
Most of my anxiety has gone away (for now) and I'm thinking more optimistically again! That's not to say that all of my pessimism has vanished, I still hold values that are rooted in that feeling (cough cough societal collapse via capitalism cough). But as far as my day to day life goes, I feel like I'm not getting stuck in negative thoughts now! It feels great! I think what also helps is that I am finally taking on a exercise routine to help me get over my sedentary lifestyle and because it's affecting how I go to the bathroom, among other adjacent things I don't wanna elaborate on here.
There are still a few things that make me worried, how certain people are doing when they don't respond to the messages they send or how my tone could have struck the wrong chord with people. But right now, I'm trying to put my anxiety aside for the sake of patience. I gotta have some trust in my friends, right? Especially since I cannot read their minds or their moods. Trust!
September 10, 2024
If there is one thing that I am regularly looking forward to on a work day, then it's lunchtime. I've been packing peanut butter and jelly sandwiches lately and I am OBSESSED with them! Call it childish, but they're so easy to make. My love for these simple, yet effective sandwiches tends to come and go, but this time, I think I found a good combination of ingredients.
I've always enjoyed using Jif peanut butter, so that's a mainstay. I like using a jelly that's low in sugar, so I got Crofter's strawberry jelly for that. But the last important ingredient is the bread. I never knew I needed a soft bread until I got Orowheat's white bread. Before, I was getting by with Dave's Killer Bread, which is good, but it's a hard bread. It tasted fine but I think the one thing I was lacking was a texture that I liked, so I'm glad that Orowheat fits the bill. However, I should consider some alternatives because this brand could probably run out of stock quickly at my local grocery stores!
Jif never runs out because they are mainstream as hell, unless they have a food safety recall. As for Crofters, I found they have a wide variety of jelly flavors, mostly with different combinations of berries. It's almost as extensive as Smuckers, except Crofters is organic and has less sugar. I should see if those jellies pair up well with peanut butter :9
September 9, 2024
Sometimes I worry about what people are talking about behind my back, or how they are judging me. It's not fair to think that way, because that gives off a degree of mistrust to myself and others, but I still worry about it. Being caught up in self-isolation and self-fulfilling prophecies probably doesn't help, but I don't like thinking this way. It's an irrational fear that ruins me from time to time.
September 4, 2024
I am trying WITH EVERY FIBER IN MY BEING to not think too hard about the friend group I was ousted from several months ago. I won't say who these people are because I genuinely believe they aren't bad people, but they kicked me out because I was mentally unwell and I didn't know it. Regardless, the day I was kicked out has given me some serioius anxiety & depression episodes. I think it doesn't help that I contracted Covid between now and then because the disease can affect multiple parts of the body, including the mind (to an extent), and potentially excascerbate anxiety/depression.
I'm hoping that by writing this diary entry that I can get these stupid thoughts out of my head and stop worrying about that friend group. Also, I don't wanna end up leaving work early today because of an anxiety attack or a bout of depression. Ooooooh that next therapy session cannot come soon enough!
September 3, 2024
Yesterday, my therapist wanted me to think about what defines me. Hm, without looking at my About Me page, I would consider myself to be a digital illustrator that wants to make comics and video games, but also has a passion for playing video games and for writing. I'm an artist and a video game hobbyist, to say the least! Defining who I am and what my goals are sounds easy enough, it's just that the hard part is trying to think of anything positive beyond the things that define my identity.
September 2, 2024
Today, I once tried to read a person's vent post where they were reluctantly contemplating suicide, but I couldn't bring myself to finish reading it. Like yea, I get those thoughts too, but I feel like my will is strong enough to resist it because of the environment I'm in and that I have dreams that I don't wanna give up on.
Do you know how powerful the human mind is? There's a beauty behind how it can think and feel the world it's surrounded by, and to kill it is to destroy the self. You're not just killing a person, you're destroying a knowledge base within a person. Isn't that incredible?
I'm not saying this to put down the person contemplating suicide. I know suicidal people don't consider the positive aspects of themselves because they're caught up in depression & whatnot (trust me, I know how awful it feels to be depressed) but sometimes I wish they never thought that way because they're feeding themselves a self-fulfilling prophecy. Or in other words, they keep saying/hearing/thinking one particular thing so much that they eventually believe it. It pains to see suicidal people mentally suffer & it takes its toll on me sometimes :(
August 31, 2024
I think I'm gonna have to actively unfollow social media accounts that make me feel like I'm living in a state of fear. It is a very unhealthy mindset for me to be in, to be honest, and I want to unravel my negative thought processes despite how difficult it may be.
August 29, 2024
Another day, another time where I'm upset and angry at myself. I feel like my optimism slowly withered away over the past seven years or more. I'm tired of living like this, it's miserable. I want to stop feeling so negative all the time, but I feel like I'm stuck...and I want a way out of here. Death is not an option. Depite having frightful ideas about it, I still have so much to live for. I would rather have a good life than cut it off too short.
August 28, 2024
At my age, it is very hard to make new friends. Particularly in reality instead of via online platforms. My mom says that people like her worry that my loneliness could exascerbate my depression. And I gotta admit...I'm scared of being alone too. But what really doesn't help is that I have social anxiety.
I'm scared of meeting people that I don't know of, I'm scared of trying to open up to people, and I'm scared of trying to reconnect with people that I haven't talked to in a while. I figured that I can get by on my own, but I can't! I really can't. Having online friends is nice, but I don't know of anyone that I can meet up with locally. It sucks, and I don't like how I feel like this.
August 27, 2024
Today I'm thinking about what my life would be like without any of the problems that I'm facing. This is a part of my therapist's goal-oriented strategy, so we're only just getting started, but this is the thing that he wanted me to think about until our next meeting.
I feel embarassed about sharing stuff that isn't negative for some reason. It's like, even though I am aware of my pessimistic line of thinking and the bad habits that come from it, I still relish in writing about things that are overtly negative. You can see this in my latest essay and shorts. It's what I'm used to, to be honest...there's a horrible sense of comfort with this kind of thinking.